Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Facing truths about myself

I'm weak.

I'm lazy.

I'm selfish.

I worry too much.

I desperately crave close friends that I can just call for no reason or drop by unannounced and it be a welcome thing.

Yet, I worry that I'm annoying, that people don't want to be close like that with me, or that maybe I'm pushing my friendship on someone who doesn't want it..... so I don't call. I don't drop by.

I want to be madly in love with Christ and do amazing things in His name and live a life that is selfless and Christ-centered and be unafraid to share my faith with everyone from my family to complete strangers.

Instead I sing a few Bible songs to my son throughout the day, maybe read a few scriptures during the week, but without real direction, wait till the last minute (if then) to study for my weekly ladies Bible study, and try to ignore the nagging guilty feeling in my gut while I scan Pinterest or find another mindless show to watch on Netflix.

I love it when I have productive days where I'm an attentive mother and wife, I not only read some scripture but I actually THINK about it, I clean and organize, I might even pursue one of my many crafty/ artistic hobbies.

But then something tiny or mundane or even something I can't even detect completely derails me and I spend unknown amounts of time wallowing in senseless worries of not being able to lose weight, on-going struggles of ill-fitting clothes because of weight-loss worries, loneliness, fear of being an unsatisfactory wife and mother, a poor Christian, and on and on and on....

I'm stuck in this horrible cycle of erratic peaks and pits. There's no middle ground. Not lately anyway.

It's exhausting.

I am so very weak.

But for some amazing, unfathomable reason

God loves me.

He not only loves me,

He WANTS me.

He didn't create me because He had to, He did it because He wanted to.



Seriously, why in the whole wide vast universe would HE want ME?

That's not for me to know.

He just does.

Even with all my weakness, laziness, selfishness, short comings, worries, false starts, everything. All of it.

He still wants me.

He just does.

That is amazingly freeing.
I just need to remind myself more often.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

"Being a mom is glamorous."

Today was one of those days that I just couldn't manage to get everything working at once so that I could actually get out the door when I wanted to. Thankfully, my errands weren't time sensitive.

Poor little Monkey has teething making his tummy pretty unhappy. He's also got some allergy stuff going on (just like Mommy and Daddy, yay). So between those two things, Monkey has refused almost all forms of solid food, except Cherrios, this week. And actually today, he's only had 9 ounces of formula and a handful of Cherrios all day. That's not much for a 9 month old. Not sure if I should be worried or not. But his 9 month checkup is tomorrow morning anyway, so...

So after waking up at 5AM, lots of play, a little fighting to eat, a couple very gross diapers, a bath and a very long nap (Monkey, not me) we finally got to go run errands and come home to a sick Daddy/Hubby.

Let me just say, tomato soup and cornbread are a great way to wrap up a fussy day.

That is, until I tried to give Monkey his pre-bedtime bottle. Two sips and he projectile vomited all over himself, my leg, and the couch. A bit unsettling since he hadn't eaten anything in over 2 hours and suddenly ....BLURGH! Rush to the bathroom for bath #2 of the day. Monkey didn't really seem to be bothered by the vomit and actually got pretty excited about the prospect of his bath. This kid LOVES being in the water.

After a fresh cloth diaper and a sleeper we rejoined Hubby who asked if I needed to change my clothes too. I looked down at my vomit/ spit up sodden lower pant leg, thought about it for a second, and said, "Meh." to which Hubby responded, "Being a mommy is glamorous."

I am not, nor will I most likely ever be, anything even similar to glamorous.

I'm ok with that.

In place of glitz and style, I have snot, drool, and sometimes spit up/vomit. Instead of designer clothes, I have baggy t-shirts, sweatpants, and cloth diapers (for Monkey, not me). Instead of fancy parties I have middle of the night snuggles.

This life is so much better than being glamourous. I wouldn't change a thing, even if I could.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Back by popular demand... or... just, back. :o)

So between moving, a teething baby, and having a small organ removed from my body and the ensuing recovery - it's been a while since I've blogged.

But I'm back! What cool things have happened in the past month and a half, you ask? How sweet and curious of you to ask! A list is forthcoming.... (I don't know why I enjoy making lists on my blog so much... I just do.)

1. We moved! I love this little house! It's stinking cute. Really. Owen has his own room that isn't also the office/junk room. Our living room is the size of our apartment kitchen and living room combined. SO nice and open. We have a cute little backyard with a tiny little patio and a bench that our landlord put out there. And let me tell you, I LOVE parking my car in the garage instead of whatever space is available in the silly apartment parking lot. Pictures of said adorable house coming soon.

2. I got tons of stuff unpacked and put in the right rooms and cleaned and started organizing and then my gallbladder tried to kill me. Ok, so it was far less serious than some people I know (My friend was misdiagnosed for years and when they finally discovered that her issues were gallbladder related, it was so full of stones, it twice the normal size! Her doctor asked if they could put a picture of it in a medical journal!) After a trip to the ER, a consult with a surgeon, and a one hour surgery that I thankfully remember absolutely nothing about, I spent about 5 days  propped up on pillows on the couch thinking about the sweet little boy that I couldn't cuddle and all the boxes that I hadn't unpacked yet. Now, a week and a half after surgery, I'm finally able to snuggle Owen and I'm slowly getting back to all the housework and unpacking remaining boxes.

3. Vanilla Bean Haagen Dazs + crushed Nutter Butter cookies = w h o a .

4. We finally got a clothes drying rack so now we can cut down on some of our electricity bill (especially since we're doing so much more laundry with the cloth diapers and all the clothes covered in drool). I'd like to put up a little clothesline in our backyard but our HOA says that clotheslines are one of those things that "should be completely concealed from sight from any neighboring properties". There are four houses that share parts of the backyard fence with us. What am I supposed to do? Go to each neighbor and ask "Hey, can you see my clothesline from your backyard?" I thought of maybe just tying some rope between the two posts holding up the roof over our patio and just taking down when the diapers are done drying and sun bleaching.... but that may be too "white trash" for this area.

5. Ian and I made our own laundry detergent last night! I'm testing it out now on the couch cover (which Owen decided to pit up ALL OVER this morning, but he felt much better afterward...) and a couple of Owen's blankets. I'll report back on my impression of how the detergent works, along with the recipe we used to make it.

6. I've been craving zucchini the last few days. And chocolate. I'm not pregnant, I promise. Ever hear of chocolate zucchini cake? I need to try that out soon.

7. At the end of August/ beginning of September I hoping to re-open my Etsy craft shop with a bunch of neat stuff. In order to do that, I'm designating August as "Complete unfinished projects and don't start anything new if you can help it" month. Despite the fact that just the other day I thought of 4, yes 4, awesome new projects I'd like to create at some point. Not to mention tons of "Cute things to make for Etsy" lists that I've made all over the house. But seriously, I have so many started-but-unfinished projects, this will be an interesting month for me if I stick to it.

8. Owen is 6 months old today!! He sat up for about 2 and a half minutes (yes, I timed it) by himself this morning before an adorable (at first) sideways face plant onto one of his hard plastic teething toys. Lots of screaming and snuggling followed.

Ok, that's all I can think of right now. I'm going to go attack a very colorful unfinished knitting project before Owen wakes up from his nap.
Happy Wednesday!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Confessions of a Sleepless Slacker Mommy

It's 3:50 AM and this is the third (fourth?) night in a row that I've woken up at some point in the night and despite feeling exhausted, can't go back to sleep. This is making me seriously cranky.

We start moving in 9 days. I'm so anxious to get in the new rental house. I've been really excited about it until this sleeping issue has started messing with my moods and now, in some ways, I almost dread the move.

My mother-in-law and sister-in-law took me shopping today to help me find some new clothes that actually fit my post-pregnancy body and hopefully actually make me feel pretty. I bought five items of clothing. For me, that's a lot. Seriously, a lot. I'm not used to spending money on myself and I actually kind of hate clothing shopping because I just end up getting depressed.
Today wasn't too bad though. One of the things I got was a knee-length, v-neck, high waist dress that has these little ruffles around the neckline and a flowy sort of skirt and a little tie belt. Its green. Not just any green. Punch-you-in-the-face bright kiwi green. If you know the shade of green that Xbox game cases are, imagine that color as a whole dress. It's amazing. I never would have even tried it on if I'd been shopping alone. And now that I've bought it and it's hanging in my closet, I'm actually pretty afraid of it. I'm worried that I'll look ridiculous in it and no one will tell me out of politeness. It's not like I can blend in while wearing this dress. You can't not look at it. It's that bright. I was laying in bed a few minutes ago debating on returning it.
I'm so good at sabotaging myself.

I get lonely. It sneaks up on me. More often than I realize, I think. But I don't call people to hang out because I'm afraid I get on people's nerves. So I end up staying in the house way too much and never going anywhere and end up writing depressing blogs in the middle of night about how pathetic I am.

I set goals for myself and almost never follow through on them. I absolutely hate that about myself. I've wanted to learn how to play the guitar since I was about 6. I have two guitars and couldn't play a single chord right now without looking at a chord book first. I want so badly to be healthy and lose weight and actually feel good about myself. Every time I try to start a regular workout schedule or a healthy eating plan I stick to it for, at most, a week and then I sabotage myself in some way and never pick it back up. Even an extremely simple goal like "go outside every day even if for just 10 minutes"... I don't do it. I usually don't realize it until it's happened but I've gone days without ever setting foot outside this tiny apartment. I don't really like going places and doing things by myself, so I just.... don't.

I love my son so much but my insecurity keeps me from taking him out to do fun stuff unless someone else goes with us. I know he's way too young to know the difference but I feel bad for always keeping him in the house instead of ... well, anything else.

I have no idea why I do these things to myself but really truly hate it. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to change it. I really really wish I did.

If you actually read of all of this, I sincerely apologize for the whiny depressiveness. Clearly I shouldn't write blogs in the middle of the night after not sleeping well for several days in a row. I just really needed to get this out.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Random Updates

Its been a while since I've posted so here's a quick list of some things that are going on with me!

1. My mom got us a Ninja blender. It's awesome. No, seriously. I made homemade hummus in about 6 seconds. And Ian made a fruit smoothie in about 30 seconds. Yea. That's awesome.

2. My son is adorable. Have you seen pictures of this kid?
Cutest. Face. Ever. We like to call him Monkey.

3. I am totally obsessed with cloth diapers. Is that weird? I don't really care if it's weird. Whenever we order new ones to add to our stash I get downright giddy when they arrive in the mail. Really. They're just so cute! And I absolutely LOVE the fact that I'm not running out to the store to buy tons of disposables that will virtually NEVER biodegrade. The thought of thousands of diapers sitting in a landfill for hundreds of years makes my skin crawl. But with my wonderful GroVia, Fuzzibunz, and Rumparooz diapers, I'm saving the environment and keeping yucky chemicals away from the little Monkey. Yes, I do realize that just sounded like a commercial and no, I don't care. Eventually, I hope to build up our cloth diaper stash so that I have enough to only need to do diaper laundry every third day.

4. We didn't renew the lease on our apartment so we're moving next month. Which is great because we need more space and I'm really tired of the elephants that live upstairs.

5. I've decided that I love Fiestaware. I actually have an Amazon wishlist devoted to my favorite colors and styles of Fiestaware.

6. I haven't had pasta in a long time so I think I'm going to make something involving pasta for dinner tonight.

7. The Monkey is screaming. I must go!

Hope you enjoyed the randomness!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

owen isaiah

Licorice Dot Blue Baby Announcements
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View the entire collection of cards.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Spur of the Moment Black Bean Soup

Sometimes I see recipes that sound really really good.... and then I realize that I don't have a lot of stuff that it calls for and I really don't feel like going to the store just to get ingredients for one meal. (Seriously, I'm almost 39 weeks pregnant. I never want to battle my way through Walmart.)

So then I go through my cabinets and see the meager amount of things that I have and make up my own somewhat similar version of a recipe I found, or one that I might vaguely remember seeing sometime in the past. Or I just throw a bunch of stuff in a pot and hope it turns out OK!

Tonight, I remembered a black bean soup recipe I found by accident earlier this week but instead of trying to find it and realize that I don't have the called for ingredients, I thought I'd just wing it! So, this is what I did, and if I do say so myself, it's pretty darn tasty!!

Spur of the Moment Black Bean Soup

1 can beef broth
1 red potato (skin on) washed and diced
2 medium carrots peeled and diced
about 1/4 cup frozen peas
about 1/4 cup frozen corn
1 can black beans drained and rinsed
about 2 tbs fresh garlic (we use the kind in the jar but you could do a clove or two of fresh chopped)

Bring beef broth to a slow boil then add potato, carrots, peas, corn, and garlic and let boil till potatoes and carrots are soft - shouldn't take long since they're diced. Stir in black beans. Transfer entire mixture to blender or food processor and puree for about 10 seconds. Transfer back to pot over medium-low heat. Add about 2 tbs cream cheese and stir to melt in.

Optional: Add ground black pepper and lime juice to taste.

All of this was just stuff I happened to have on hand so if you're trying to make this, don't think you need to have all the ingredients exactly as I listed them. I rarely measure out stuff when I cook like this. It's more fun that way! Also, this only makes about 3 servings so I'd definitely double (or triple) it if you want leftovers or if you're feeding more than a few.