It's 3:50 AM and this is the third (fourth?) night in a row that I've woken up at some point in the night and despite feeling exhausted, can't go back to sleep. This is making me seriously cranky.
We start moving in 9 days. I'm so anxious to get in the new rental house. I've been really excited about it until this sleeping issue has started messing with my moods and now, in some ways, I almost dread the move.
My mother-in-law and sister-in-law took me shopping today to help me find some new clothes that actually fit my post-pregnancy body and hopefully actually make me feel pretty. I bought five items of clothing. For me, that's a lot. Seriously, a lot. I'm not used to spending money on myself and I actually kind of hate clothing shopping because I just end up getting depressed.
Today wasn't too bad though. One of the things I got was a knee-length, v-neck, high waist dress that has these little ruffles around the neckline and a flowy sort of skirt and a little tie belt. Its green. Not just any green. Punch-you-in-the-face bright kiwi green. If you know the shade of green that Xbox game cases are, imagine that color as a whole dress. It's amazing. I never would have even tried it on if I'd been shopping alone. And now that I've bought it and it's hanging in my closet, I'm actually pretty afraid of it. I'm worried that I'll look ridiculous in it and no one will tell me out of politeness. It's not like I can blend in while wearing this dress. You can't not look at it. It's that bright. I was laying in bed a few minutes ago debating on returning it.
I'm so good at sabotaging myself.
I get lonely. It sneaks up on me. More often than I realize, I think. But I don't call people to hang out because I'm afraid I get on people's nerves. So I end up staying in the house way too much and never going anywhere and end up writing depressing blogs in the middle of night about how pathetic I am.
I set goals for myself and almost never follow through on them. I absolutely hate that about myself. I've wanted to learn how to play the guitar since I was about 6. I have two guitars and couldn't play a single chord right now without looking at a chord book first. I want so badly to be healthy and lose weight and actually feel good about myself. Every time I try to start a regular workout schedule or a healthy eating plan I stick to it for, at most, a week and then I sabotage myself in some way and never pick it back up. Even an extremely simple goal like "go outside every day even if for just 10 minutes"... I don't do it. I usually don't realize it until it's happened but I've gone days without ever setting foot outside this tiny apartment. I don't really like going places and doing things by myself, so I just.... don't.
I love my son so much but my insecurity keeps me from taking him out to do fun stuff unless someone else goes with us. I know he's way too young to know the difference but I feel bad for always keeping him in the house instead of ... well, anything else.
I have no idea why I do these things to myself but really truly hate it. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to change it. I really really wish I did.
If you actually read of all of this, I sincerely apologize for the whiny depressiveness. Clearly I shouldn't write blogs in the middle of the night after not sleeping well for several days in a row. I just really needed to get this out.