I worry too much.
I desperately crave close friends that I can just call for no reason or drop by unannounced and it be a welcome thing.
Yet, I worry that I'm annoying, that people don't want to be close like that with me, or that maybe I'm pushing my friendship on someone who doesn't want it..... so I don't call. I don't drop by.
I want to be madly in love with Christ and do amazing things in His name and live a life that is selfless and Christ-centered and be unafraid to share my faith with everyone from my family to complete strangers.
Instead I sing a few Bible songs to my son throughout the day, maybe read a few scriptures during the week, but without real direction, wait till the last minute (if then) to study for my weekly ladies Bible study, and try to ignore the nagging guilty feeling in my gut while I scan Pinterest or find another mindless show to watch on Netflix.
I love it when I have productive days where I'm an attentive mother and wife, I not only read some scripture but I actually THINK about it, I clean and organize, I might even pursue one of my many crafty/ artistic hobbies.
But then something tiny or mundane or even something I can't even detect completely derails me and I spend unknown amounts of time wallowing in senseless worries of not being able to lose weight, on-going struggles of ill-fitting clothes because of weight-loss worries, loneliness, fear of being an unsatisfactory wife and mother, a poor Christian, and on and on and on....
I'm stuck in this horrible cycle of erratic peaks and pits. There's no middle ground. Not lately anyway.
I am so very weak.
But for some amazing, unfathomable reason
God loves me.
He not only loves me,
He WANTS me.
He didn't create me because He had to, He did it because He wanted to.
Seriously, why in the whole wide vast universe would HE want ME?
That's not for me to know.
He just does.
Even with all my weakness, laziness, selfishness, short comings, worries, false starts, everything. All of it.
He still wants me.
He just does.
That is amazingly freeing.
I just need to remind myself more often.